To The Boy I Loved

To the guy I never got closure with.

To the boy who wasn’t ready for all my love because he wasn’t a man yet. 

To the guy who I never thought I would ever lose.

To the one who stole my heart when I wasn’t looking.

To the asshole who broke it more than anyone ever before him. 

To the man who healed the shattered parts of that heart before the boy in him crushed it again and stole the broken pieces. 

To the guy who always made me laugh or smile in the most random of times. 

To the one who taught me how to love again.

To the guy who melted my insides with just a look or touch.

To the boy I tried to change into something I wanted instead of loving you for who you were at the time. 

To the dick who made me break up with him because he was too much of a coward to do it himself.

To the one I had to watch fall out of love with me.

To the one who fell in love with me.

To the guy I fell in love and taught me how to love again.

To the one who didn’t know what he wanted.

To the boy who let me walk away.

To the one who didn’t come after me.

To the one who didn’t fight for me.

To the one I wasn’t enough for. Who wasn’t enough for me.

To the guy who held me in his arms so I could fall asleep.

To the first guy who I ever let meet my pillow Ter Ter.

To the boy who was so tall it made my heart stop every-time in pure joy.

To the guy who didn’t realize how many sacrifices I made and how hard I tried to love him. 

To the guy who didn’t know how to love me.

To the man who took care of me everytime I got my period and rubbed my tummy for me to make me feel better.

To the boy I could lay next to all day and never have to say a word.

To the boy who knew how to cuddle till the ends of time.

To the boy who got another gf two months after we broke up. 

To the guy who will never know how many tears I cried after I realized you’d never come back for me.

To the guy who I wasn’t enough to open up and let go with. 

To the guy who never loved me as much as I loved him.

To the boy I Loved.........I still love you. I will always love you. 

To the boy I have finally let go of and moved on from.....I forgive you. 

I forgot

So life gives you lemons.....what do we do? We try to make lemonaid. But I say, fuck lemonaid. If it gives you lemons, squash them and make some hard liquor so you can get through your shitty day.

Hi. I'm wanderer. I like to travel and wander the world while wondering about life. For my first post I'm going to be open and raw and show you a letter I wrote to my now dead friend. Cause why not? I have to vent somewhere.

I miss you.


I keep forgetting you're gone. How strange is that? I need to talk to you. Tell you how much I can't breathe sometimes missing you. I need you to get over you. Life is so cruel that way you know?

I can see you laughing. Saying "shit always happens Autumn. Just enjoy the ride."

Sometimes I'm completely fine and then a memory hits and the world gets less brighter cause I realize you're not in it. You always said to calm down, to stop trying so hard. You excepted failure as a natural part of life. You were always smarter than anyone ever knew. You'd figured life out long before the rest of us. I think that's what really killed you.

I watched you break.....and you stayed broken. You couldn't get put back together again. You couldn't feel love.....no matter how hard I tried. You gave up. I watched you give up. How am I supposed to make it if you couldn't? Your life was shit and yet you still made something of it. What have I done?

I have done nothing that would make me proud. I could never love enough to save you. Or others. It's like I was created to watch others break. A helpless bystander that's forced to be there because there'd be no one for extras. Behind the scenes of everyone else's life. Never enough to save you. I have to watch.

Why? Why did you give up? Why didn't you care enough. I hate you for this. The unforgivable thing is not fighting hard enough. Or you were so tired of fighting. Like me. Where no one sees.

I get so tired......I am starting to understand you now. My question to myself is, am I more like you or were we always the same because you are more like me. If so, then which one is it? I guess we'll find out. My death means my sinking feelings are right. If not, then I have to live a full life without you in it.  Destined to be the bystander.

Maybe that's the point. Giving up the control. Being helpless to change anything. That sounds so nice these days. It means nothing is my fault. That would be a nice feeling.....to give it all up and stop trying so hard.

I miss you.

You didn't have to die. Just almost die. Then keep going. Fuck you for dying on me. My life isn't over yet. You were supposed to be my pot dealer for the rest of my life. Be that crazy uncle to my kids. Crash on my couch each month.

It will never be the same without you now. Life is less brighter.

I forgot.....how can I forget?

I miss you.