So life gives you lemons.....what do we do? We try to make lemonaid. But I say, fuck lemonaid. If it gives you lemons, squash them and make some hard liquor so you can get through your shitty day.
Hi. I'm wanderer. I like to travel and wander the world while wondering about life. For my first post I'm going to be open and raw and show you a letter I wrote to my now dead friend. Cause why not? I have to vent somewhere.
I miss you.
I keep forgetting you're gone. How strange is that? I need to talk to you. Tell you how much I can't breathe sometimes missing you. I need you to get over you. Life is so cruel that way you know?
I can see you laughing. Saying "shit always happens Autumn. Just enjoy the ride."
Sometimes I'm completely fine and then a memory hits and the world gets less brighter cause I realize you're not in it. You always said to calm down, to stop trying so hard. You excepted failure as a natural part of life. You were always smarter than anyone ever knew. You'd figured life out long before the rest of us. I think that's what really killed you.
I watched you break.....and you stayed broken. You couldn't get put back together again. You couldn't feel love.....no matter how hard I tried. You gave up. I watched you give up. How am I supposed to make it if you couldn't? Your life was shit and yet you still made something of it. What have I done?
I have done nothing that would make me proud. I could never love enough to save you. Or others. It's like I was created to watch others break. A helpless bystander that's forced to be there because there'd be no one for extras. Behind the scenes of everyone else's life. Never enough to save you. I have to watch.
Why? Why did you give up? Why didn't you care enough. I hate you for this. The unforgivable thing is not fighting hard enough. Or you were so tired of fighting. Like me. Where no one sees.
I get so tired......I am starting to understand you now. My question to myself is, am I more like you or were we always the same because you are more like me. If so, then which one is it? I guess we'll find out. My death means my sinking feelings are right. If not, then I have to live a full life without you in it. Destined to be the bystander.
Maybe that's the point. Giving up the control. Being helpless to change anything. That sounds so nice these days. It means nothing is my fault. That would be a nice feeling.....to give it all up and stop trying so hard.
I miss you.
You didn't have to die. Just almost die. Then keep going. Fuck you for dying on me. My life isn't over yet. You were supposed to be my pot dealer for the rest of my life. Be that crazy uncle to my kids. Crash on my couch each month.
It will never be the same without you now. Life is less brighter.
I forgot.....how can I forget?
I miss you.
